Dear Goverment.

I’m writing to tell you how much you suck and how you can suck less.

• Don’t pass any laws to keeping me from doing what I want to do.
• Do pass laws to keep other people from doing shit I don’t agree with.
• Work for nothing. Donate your time.
• Don’t lie, cheat, or steal. (Unless you are my guy…then it’s okay.)
• Force my old company to give me my job back. I’m too old to learn how to do anything else.
• Take care of me when I get old, sick, or injured. But do not take care of stupid, lazy people.
• Protect my rights but not everyones rights. Just those of us who deserve it. (And you know who we are.)
• Provide good roads and schools and other things without raising taxes. (Not that I pay taxes since I don’t work. But still…)
• Stop wasting money on higher education. All anyone needs to know is how to read, write, and count to a hundred. (Accept for Doctors. We need doctors but they should be Americans and not Indians or whatever that guy is at the clinic who stitched up my eye after I passed out and hit my head on the slot machine at Duffy’s Bar. I sued him but they proved I was drunk. The bastards!)
• Stop wasting money supporting the Arts. That’s just stupid. Why should I pay for Art? I already have pictures on my wall.

And stop telling people I don’t care about important stuff. I like the Department of Home Land security. We need to be protected from crazy Muslims. And build more walls to protect us from Catholics. (Or whatever religion those people are that keep coming across the border from the south.)

In addition, I will never run for any kind of government office because it is a thankless job and I’m too busy posting how much I hate you on FaceBook. I intend to continue pointing out every stupid thing you do, even though I have absolutely no idea how to get the top off my Viagra bottle.

Please do not respond by mail. I don’t read mail. My mail box is already jammed up with junk, (except for the National Inquirer and that one cook book that showed me how to make venison meat loaf twelve different ways.)

Yours truly,

None of your business.